Thursday, February 24, 2011

how it all started

WH went out of town for his job. For a whole stinking month. When he left, we were in a pretty good place. While he has been gone, we've kept in touch via Skype. Which was a big deal for me. BIG trust issue surrounding the use of web-cams. When we first met, WH had a firmly entrenched webcam-jacking off with strangers habit. You're probably asking, "And why did you marry him?" Because he said he left it all behind when we got together. And I was stupid and in love and believed him.

Not so much anymore. I still love him, but I'm not as stupid. And I don't know if I'll ever believe him again.

Anyhow, back to the present....we were talking on Skype and through some conversations and trusty Netflix, I discovered that he was watching movies that weren't, let's say, work-related....I mean, really? Zombie Strippers?? Really? It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic.....Well, I confronted him about that and some other stuff, and the dam broke.

He did his best to deflect, to spin this like it was MY fault, that my jealousy and insecurity was messing with my mind again, that it was ME. No fucking way was it me. Like a dog with a bone, I wouldn't let it go. We fought for two days straight, which was no fun. And I couldn't let it go. I knew, just KNEW, that he was I look into his email. I was justifying it the whole time, telling myself, "If you trust him, you shouldn't do this." and the other, seemingly rational voice said "But if you find nothing then you can let it go and trust him like he says..." So I clicked through his emails, rec'd and sent. They all looked in order, innocuous. Nothing screamed, "I'm a LIAR who jacks off to porn at every chance..."

until I clicked on the very trusty Google Web History. And I was sickened by what I found.....

It laid it out. How every day, at every chance, he was surfing porn....When he woke up, when he came back to his hotel during lunch. When he got off the phone with me AND HIS CHILDREN who missed him so he could surf porn and jack off......

To say I was hurt is like saying that Mt Everest is tall. I felt like my whole marriage was a sham. I was surprisingly calm and I printed off every page, every link. Every search, for busty MILF's, for MILF anal, for beach porn.....I knew that if we headed for divorce, I'd need it for legal purposes. But more importantly, I wanted to be able to hold it up, something tangible that he couldn't deny. I wanted to SHOW him that I knew. That I'd always known.

The confrontation was ugly. After I wouldn't tell him why we needed to talk, he got nervous. Damn right, he was nervous. His life was a web of lies and shame and guilt. And it was about to come crashing in, and it was all his doing. I did my very best not to cry, but he sure did. He begged for my forgiveness. He admitted everything. Well, I don't think THAT is true. I think there's still a bunch of shit that he's hiding, he's just scraed if he tells me one more thing, that I'll leave with his kids.....I don't trust him at all......

I asked him "why".....and I was prepared for the real answer. This is so touchy....For years, we'd had intimacy issues. Some sexual, but most not. Little did I know, he was just saving his attention, his affection, his time for big-tittied, not expectant women on the net. We went through periods where he didn't want sex very much (I have a better idea why now...) He always blamed it on me, and I was blaming him. He was so busy, wasting our marriage on jacking off to porn, that he didn't have anything left for me, for our marriage. He used to make so many excuses. He was tired, the commute took a lot out of him, he had a lot on his mind, I was pressuring him....I just want to PUKE when I think of all his fucking lies....

But the "why" is what kills me, it just slays me.....

He said he just wanted to be entertained, that it was titillating (every pun intended)......for YEARS, and I mean like 7-8 YEARS, I'd been begging for more sex, more more attention, for his affections. I was BEGGING, literally and figuratively, for his love. He'd just rather go jack off to some manufactured woman.

I wanted to scream!! While I was grateful he told me the truth (or so he says), I wanted to scream at him, "You're a fucking douche-bag. You lying weasel..." but I didn't....he was crying and begging for my help.

He's made promises that he's leaving the porn behind. I don't believe him. I want to, but I don't. I can't. Not when he's lied at every opportunity. I'm onto him now. I know he's a liar. Where I suspected it before, I KNOW it now. I'm not crazy or imagining it this time.

My self-esteem which was bruised before is broken. I know self-esteem comes from within, hence; SELF...I liked this paragraph, you can read about self-esteem and children HERE:

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings we have about ourselves, our "self-perceptions." How we define ourselves influences our motivations, attitudes, and behaviors and affects our emotional adjustment.......

Self-esteem also can be defined as feelings of capability combined with feelings of being loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also end up with low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when the right balance is reached.

And for me....? I don't think I can look back and feel like he's loved me. He's lied about everything. Probably never loved me. He probably convinced himself because it was expected of him....I'm so sad about that. I can't believe in anything anymore.....

but let's talk about sex for a few minutes....I ALWAYS have been willing to do anything in bed. And I do mean anything....(again, warning, no holds barred...) I am adventurous and willing. Granted, I'd gained weight in recent years that made me feel ugly. My husband never complimented me, even though other men did. I used to ask if he was not longer as attracted to me because of the weight gain, he'd lie and say it had no effect on hos he loved me. What a fucking joke. Of course, it had an effect! He was comparing me to porn!! Every time we had sex, (which wasn't nearly as often as I wanted) I'd bet he was thinking about asian anal MILF's....(I can be many things, but I cannot be asian...) Anyway, back to sex. I was always there. Waiting and wanting. And lonely. Oh so fucking lonely.

They say that men seek porn because it's quick, easy false intimacy. True: that big tittied blonde taking it up the ass doesn't want you to take out the trash, and she's not upset that you forget to pick up milk on the way home. But you didn't make a promise to her.....and you did to me. I think he's so fucking weak.

And I'm very disappointed. And sad. And heartbroken.

I'm exploring options for talking to other women who've dealt with this. God knows it's far too common. I'm going to join a group. Starting this blog, albeit anonymously, is a start for me. I don't want to keep his secrets. They hurt too much. I found THIS and it helped. It's a great Christian resource...oh did I mention that my husband has held himself out to others, me included, to be a Godly man....? ha! Well, he's walking with God now. That might be all he has when this is done.....God is working on me, too. If He can heal my husband, can he heal me?


I'm a seasoned blogger. I have another blog that I've had for YEARS. This is a way for me to deal with what's going. To spew the poison that I'm dealing.

Before we get started, let me tell you about myself. I'm married. To Weak Husband, which I will call WH in my posts. We've been married for more than a decade. We have children together. We love each other and we've been through stuff together. And until a few days ago, I trusted him for the most part. Well, I say that but I've always had trust issues. He has done things in our past that made me distrust him. Not outright affairs (though I have suspected) but lots of deception and distrust. It was pervasive, like a poison, seeping through our marriage. It made me doubt myself. For years, my instincts were telling me that he was up to something and lying...but he kept telling me that I was crazy, that I was imagining it, that I was punishing him for things he hadn't done....

Well, I was right all along.

I am married to a Weak Man. WH is smart, handsome, sometimes witty and funny, but more than anything, he's selfish. And manipulative. He's a craftsman at the arts of passive-aggressive warfare. And he's a liar. How old is he? He's 52, but that part doesn't really matter. Age isn't the issue, although I suspect that when his chest hairs started turning gray, he wanted to feel young and hot again.....

Gawd, I really am a rambling fool, aren't I?

Let's talk about my husband some more though...he's really attractive. Maybe too much so. He's not like "stop traffic, drool on your hands" type good looking, but I would guess that the vast percentage of women would say "yep, he's a hunk"....but he's flawed. He has these amazing disarming green eyes. Broad shoulders. Strong legs. Sturdy hands. He's good looking. But you know what comes with that? A Big Fucking Ego from years of misplaced adulation. Well, I see him differently now.

Now about me...I'm in my early 40's, 10 years younger than WH. Although I've taken such good care of him, at my own peril, I actually look my age :( I'm short-ish. I've got a few extra pounds. No one would accuse me of being a SuperModel, but I don't scare small children. I look like a million women. The ones you see in the grocery store aisle. The lady who you pass by in the library. Or your neighbor. I'm Strong Wife.

Now why do I call myself Strong Wife, and call my husband Weak Husband....? Because these past years, many wasted years, I've been the strong one, because he's been too busy jacking off to internet porn. Like I said: no holds barred. You're about to embark on my journey through all of this pain and anger and hopefully, like in Malachi 3:3 and the purifier of silver, I'll come out of this shiny.

But I'm not holding my breath.....Read on if you want. I'm going to writing A LOT....